This post is really different for me to write. It is about the process of making the transition from a life of faith in the God Jesus called, “Father,” to the end of that life in the process we call “dying”.
As I am writing this draft, Andrea and I are now in the M.D. Anderson Cancer Center in Houston, and have received the news that the cancer is in so many crucial areas of my body (liver, pancreas, lymph nodes) that finding a “cure” is not one of my options.
For almost ten days I couldn’t eat or drink anything without gagging and throwing up. Not only that, some bile came up into my throat due to a blockage in my upper intestine so everything I tried to swallow tasted like feces. I Finally contacted my doctor about my concern and was immediately sent to ER, put on a stomach pump to relieve the pressure from trapped fluids in my stomach, IV’s for hydration, and put on the schedule for an endoscopy to try to correct the problem.
In the meantime my three daughters arrived and along with my wife, Andrea, we had a “love-in.”
During all this time I have continued my practice of walking through my days and nights thanking God for all the advantages and blessings that have given me the freedom to love people and help them become what God created them (particularly) to be, and to spend time writing and playing with Andrea, and other members of what has become our new “extended family.” and others on our ‘team.’
One of the main blessings on my continual gratitude list had been my health. So when that was failing, I became grateful for the clinic I was able to get to, and for my friends who began to step up and help us get in to see these remarkable medical specialists.
But all this unexpected serious information and experience began to depress me and affect my positive attitude and practices. When I got to my lowest point, a visiting friend took me to a meeting in the hospital area. Simply being honest and sharing my fear and my experience, strength and hope got me through a very difficult time, and prompted me to write the e-mail getting honest with my physicians about my inability to eat or drink.
All this, and my family’s arrival, interrupted my description of the inner process of dying. With the family and a few friends here filling my life with love, my faith was concrete, my loving listening and gratitude were intact, and my awareness of God’s healing presence intact somehow.
The night before the family was to leave I began to pray alone in the dark hospital room. I asked myself what I believe about a “life after this one.” I realized with a shock that I really hadn’t spent a lot of time learning about “heaven.” Fear suddenly gripped me. I calmed myself by surrendering my entire life, death, and future to God. And then I became aware of what I have come to believe happens when some believers die.
My conscious focus during the past few years had been on learning to live and share the self-limiting love I have experienced from God in the present “Reign of God” that Jesus announced, described and inaugurated throughout his entire life and work. I’ve done this because it is what I saw Jesus doing.
When he did speak to his disciples about how they and their lives would be evaluated in the last analysis, he referred mostly to how well they had replicated the LIFE of self-limiting love he had given them. And for me that included the way Jesus had referred and deferred to his loving Father as “Daddy” in a continuous dialogue.
But then, in that dark night alone, I suddenly thought, “What’s going to happen to me and my relationship to God that has come to fill and inform my entire life?” And I almost panicked. Compared to what I had already received and experienced in this life with the Father as Daddy, the pictures Christians had developed about Heaven seemed pale and insignificant. I had moments of thinking maybe I should stop and do a crash course on “Heaven” with someone I knew. And finally, I once again surrendered my life and my entire future to God and went to sleep.
The next morning I just happened to talk to a Christian who’s spent a lot of time studying about Heaven. I suddenly remembered Jesus and what he did in his own life as it was drawing to an end. He simply trusted his Heavenly Daddy, did and said what he could determine was what God wanted Him, Jesus, to say and do. And at the last of his life, in the Garden of Gethsemane, with nothing in hand to assure him in advance that what he had to do would turn out for him personally as he hoped things would, Jesus decided to take the first steps alone—even if all his own followers deserted him.
I saw that for me—if I am really to follow Jesus, I am going to have to step up to the doorway of death that I am facing right now—the end of all I know of life and human experience. I must stand before that doorway with the same faith of a small child as Jesus did, doing what he thought his daddy was asking him to do–regardless of whether his own followers (and in my case what other Christians) may think. Although I am in the midst of my family and those of you who are a part of life’s family too, I am all alone.
All I can think of to say as I approach that door is, “Daddy who is in Heaven, it’s me, John Keith. All l I have to give you is the life of love that you have given me! All the rest of the material possessions and public attention that came about as a result of the life I built for you as a Christian—all that has gone somehow. All that is left is this little boy who loves you as his Daddy. And I’m knocking, wanting to come in and let you continue—in whatever way—to teach me about how you made us to be when you created us way back in the beginning in the garden. But if this is not your plan, or whatever you have for me (or don’t have), whatever happens (or doesn’t happen) I’m knocking on this huge Dark Door of Death, wanting to come in and say ‘Thank you,’ and ‘I love you, Daddy.’*
My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? John 14:1-3
If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! Matthew 7:10-12
“Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Matthew 7:20-22
And prayers come with these words for all of you who have become so dear to me.
(Note: Since writing this post Keith has come back to Austin. He will begin chemotherapy next week. Your prayers are appreciated during this time and we are certainly grateful for the kind words and prayers you have offered thus far. Thank you.)
* This account is not “the way” any Christian (or others) “should” think about approaching God at the time of his or her own death. But this was my honest experience the other night as I was realizing that my own life—as I have lived it—is coming to an end. Not being an expert of any kind, this is just part of my own “experience, strength and hope.” I miss you all and love you very much! –John Keith
Keith, Our lives have intertwined many time since the 1960’s when you befriended my Dad. so when you see him, tell him I still think of him all the time, as I will you. Unless I go first. My faith and belief system think that we are all here but a blink of an eye. I am glad you have had a good long blink, filling our world with more truth and love, and you are taking your directive to inspire us until your last breath. I am not afraid for you, but hate the thought of you not being near in the earthly realm. I shall take up the mantle of prayer for you and your family, and the peace that passes understanding. love and hugs, CARen
Your life has been a blessing to many, including me. Your support has been appreciated more than I can say.
Kieth, As I read your post I sat here and realized that if it is your time to go, you will see my daddy who died 3 weeks ago. You never met him, but he will be waiting for you, wanting to talk about his baby girl and you talking about MK. I am so sad about losing my father, but I know that he is no longer suffering and is now worshiping the King of Kings. The Word says that God is our Healer, so I am still believing for your healing, and I won’t stop believing that until God says it is time for you to come home. None of us are guaranteed tomorrow so take today and do what God has called you to do. Let tomorrow worry about itself. Thank you so much for having such a wonderful daughter as MK. I appreciate you and love you more than you will ever know. You showed me that it was ok to be me. For that I am forever grateful. Love, Sabrina L. Grubbs
Keith, Rollins and I will always remember you sharing your faith in Jesus up at CampMystic so many years ago. It was your sharing that helped us on our walk with our Lord! THANK YOU!
We will continue to remember you with great fondness and in prayer, wish you well on your journey home.
Bitsy
Buenos Aires, Argentina
I pray that God grants you the strength and courage and peace to deal with all of this. I just can’t put it in words how I feel about all you have done for me. I love you.
HOW GOOD GOD IS AND HOW COMFORTED HE MUST BE. TO HEAR HIS CHILDS LOVE.HOW BLESSED I AM TO WITNESS YOU’RE WALK. BE LOVE JOHN
Dear Keith, thanks for all you and your writings have done for me through the years. God is with you and the Lord Jesus has His arms around you.
Dear Keith: I love what you wrote here. I know Richard will love it, too. He is currently in the hospital having just received a “new hip”. I told him about what you wrote. He was 3/4 asleep when I said to him, “When you’re more coherent, I want to tell you waht JKM wrote.” He all of a sudden was 100% fully alert, as he wanted to hear what you had written. Honestly, there is no one on the planet that he respects more than you, Keith. He loves you in a big way! He will write to you when he gets back to his computer. He does not have a laptop. In the meantime, thank you for sharing your heart and life with him and countless others over the years. Your life has counted for an exceedingly LOT. Thank you again. I am so glad I got to meet you in person in 1992. God bless you and Andrea today, tomorrow and always! Love from Oregon–bonny g
Keith – I have been following your recent blogs and am holding you close in prayer. I wish I could have reconnected with you. Over the course of a few hours with you in the late 1980s after you shared at a Continental Singers Camp, I was deeply impacted, and affected. Thank you for living life so authentically, and for reaching into my soul over those few hours. Much love to you and prayers for Papa God’s presence surrounding you now. Joe Huntsman
Thank you for sharing Keith. Peace.
Kieth
You are not alone, God promised to see us through whatever the circumstance. May His presence give you and your family comfort and peace. Thank you for sharing at this trying time. God Bless you and keep you until we meet again.
Richard
Mr. Miller,
Thanks. I am 68 years old. I have looked down the wrong end of a gun barrel (when I was still bulletproof), and faced death when I DID recognize him, on two other occasions, but didn’t in any case have time to dwell on the potential of death. Perhaps as a cumulative result, I have faith… some days more than others, but as I can get around my lack of faith, growing faith. I can only hope that I dodge the bullet of “faith without works”… I believe you have, CONGRATULATIONS.
Simper fi,
Jesse Cope
After I stopped crying, after reading your post, I remember how you would come into the office and say “May I give you a hug”. And I would say yes. It was sometimes the only hug I got all day. Thank you.
And may I say, May our Lord give you a really big hug today.
Love, and prayers, Barbara
I have read your books since the 1970’s and I was privileged to meet you when you spoke at a church in Phoenix a number of years ago. I was impressed by your kindness. I will be praying for your wife and you. God bless.
You,both,made my life better.
Paul Rooker 12/2/11 at 10:00 pm Keith you started effecting lives early in your life. In 1945,as I got better acquainted with you on our way to San Diego to Navy Boot Camp, I was so impressed that I named my first son Paul Keith–he has always gone by Keith. I am proud of him and his three children. He carries the name of Keith very well. Pauline and I are working on our 65th year. God has been good to us. I know through your relationship with God your influence on lives will be ongoing. God Bless You, and thank you. Your Navy Buddy Paul
dear keith,
Even at this point of your life you thought of sharing.It is jesus in you that is flowing out.Only when there is a flow does the king of spring comes healing in the flow.
i am praying.
lots of love
eapen mohan
mumbai
Keith, I didnt reliaze it when I was young, But Now know that “Our” Daddy in Heavan Was and has always been there for us in both times of joy and times of sorrow. One more thing Im thankful for is that you are My Cousin and also My friend, Its hard for me to say Goodbye to you . Just save a place for me at the table when he finally calls me home also!
Keith, you are so remarkable. God keep you close. You are one of His very best, and I owe you so much!
Love you,
Jason
I am grateful that God brought you two into my life; to be able to pray for you in the dark hours is a special privilege. “I thank my God whenever I think of you, and when I pray for you, my prayers are filled with joy.”
you are such an inspiration to all that know you. You and your family are in my prayers and thoughts. I am so overwhelmed with the love of God that I am crying…crying for you, my friend, because all of us will miss you greatly but know that we will meet again on the other side.
For everything you do for so many, for the love you express, the words that transform my heart and my focus, for your limitless energy and desire to serve. My life is better because of you. I love you Keith!
Keith, I am standing you as you face this final journey. Your devotionals are meaningful, and you are kind to share what is certainly the most intimate time in your life. I love you, and wish you many blessings.
Suzi Robertson
Keith, thank you for the great gift you have been in my life. In times of fun, celebration and sadness, you have made my life better in every way that matters. I don’t really want to think of a world without you – it just won’t be as good.
Thanks for being such a great friend to my dad. He loved you so very much and you two had so much in common. The friendship you two shared was a gift to me – and a model of what adult friendships can and should be.
THanks for coming to my wedding – without the clothes that the airline lost.
Thanks for reaching outr to me after my dad passed away – and sorry I was not more responsive.
I love you deeply, Mark L
I love you so much Keith. I treasure our friendship. You taught me so much and continue to teach even now through this.
Nate
My father was in heart failure the first few months of this year, and died at the age of 89 on March 1st. He loved, worshiped, and served the Good Lord all of his days. When he was in the hospital, his preacher stated that my father had shown us how to live, and now he was showing us how to die. Keith, I think that can be said of you, too. My father lived and died on a small stage, and you have lived and are dying on a big stage. God bless and keep you as you travel along this road that we will all eventually travel. You are still teaching us. Thank you so much for all you have experienced and written. I am confident that God is still allowing you to be a beacon of light in this world. He is not finished with you YET!
Dear Keith and Andrea:
Thank you Keith for your opennes and honesty that you have always shared thru out the years in your writings and what you have shared. Life, especially if you are a believer, isn’t always simple and grand. Sometimes life throws us a curve ball with challenges, issues, and even sufferings. Thank you for sharing about what you are experiencing now in the moment and how God’s grace and goodness is surrounding you and your family. May God bless you and your family! My prayers are with you both.
Dear Keith, you are such a servant leader for me, and that remains true as you forthrightly share your current time of “knocking on heaven’s door.” As I first heard you speak in Houston years ago, then as you wrote two endorsements for my fledgling books, so you are now: encourager, seeker, lover of God. My prayerful thoughts and best wishes remain with you, my friend. If you come back to M D Anderson, please let me know and I’ll met up with you for a visit. Blessings, Virgil Fry
Thank you so much for your writings and thoughts. I have several of your books over the years and count them as great treasures. You have been such a great inspiration to me, and I am so grateful for your life! God Bless you, Keith!
Can’t say thanks enough for all you have shared with us over the yrs.God bless you and your family.You are in our prayers and thoughts.Marv and Vi Reeves
Keith,
In you taught me in 1977 about living (when life as I had known it was dying). Thank you for teaching me now about dying (when all I think about is living).
I don’t know a lot about heaven, but I do know a man after God’s own heart when I see one.
Thank you for continuing to teach us. I’m honored to know you and Andrea.
Stan
Your words of love surround me as we collectively watch the grace of God before our very eyes. You, Keith Miller, are a living example of heaven on earth in your demeanor, love, character, strength and fortitude to knock on death’s door with the courage God has given us all. Last I reflected in my own space that is what we call blind faith. God is with you and all of us if we simply summon the courage of God to simply knock on the door.
Keith,
As I read this my heart is heavy and full at the same time. Words cannot express how grateful I am for your life and your words. God has used them to change the trajectory of my life.
Deep love for you and Andrea and your family. Holding you in prayer as God leads.
May peace and love surround you,
Sarah
Keith:
You and your family are in my prayers. You and your writings have blessed me and encouraged me in my walk with the Lord since before I was a book sales rep. with Word, Inc.
May the Lord bless and comfort you greatly.
David
Oh, Keith, and Andrea – This past week I have felt a strong urge to be in touch, but until this morning’s posting I have been largely ignorant of what was going on health-wise – just keenly aware that something was. Thank you for providing this space for many who love you to respond. Now that you have experienced that dark night of unknowing and apprehension, and have told a good number of us about it, no telling who’ll be awake praying for you most anytime day or night! There’s always room for one more. So count me in that special circle surrounding you and Andrea, as I tend to wake up at weird hours these days. May each new day bring a fresh sense of the Lord’s presence. May you be granted the strength and patience needed for that day alone. I am so eternally grateful for you both. Betty
You have taght me how to live in so many practical, everyday ways — and now you are teaching a new lesson. I’m not fond of this lesson — but I so admire your courage and honesty in the face of this lesson. May God grant you all you need for this phase of your journey. I’m so thankful for your life. You and Andrea are in my prayers — Much love to both of you, my dear friends.
We love you and are praying for you!
Mark and Karla and my Daddy-O, Carl
Keith,
May The Lord bless you and keep you.
May the Lord make his face to shine upon you, and be gracious to you.
May the Lord lift up his countenance upon you, and give you peace.
Know that you have touched our lives and we are better for it.
We pray for your comfort and peace.
Bonnie and Larry
Keith,
You have been a comfort and an inspiration to me here in Boston. We met in Austin when you were re-launching a book. I spent some time w/ you and Andrea at the 1st Wizard Academy reunion and I still remember the kindness and sincerity of you both…
With Love and Gratitude,
Mark Forrester
Your ministry in words has meant so much to me. May God grant His Peace and Strength to you each day as you face the appointment we all will have someday. You are a blessing and an inspiration. Thank you for sharing your life with all of us.
Thank you for all your sharing. Lifting you up in prayer. Hope to see you there when God’s plan is finished with us here.
Keith, may God give you peace and comfort as you deal with your illness and treatment.
Bobbye Lott
I am printing and keeping your comments about your walk toward death’s door to read and reread as I near the end of my life. What an inspiration you are to so many people, especially me. Thanks you.
Hi Keith,
As I watch my daughter Vanessa get arrested at Occupy LA and go to jail and hope she won’t be brutalized I am aware that all of this comes to an end at some point. Your post reverberated within me as I face my own fears for my chidren and my own mortality. Am so grateful to God for you, Roy
Dear Keith and Andrea: You have been constantly in my prayers…and even more in my thinking these past few days..reading this posting tells me why. I continue to be blessed by you your courage and authenticity, your fears and most of all your love for our God. My favorite reminders in Scripture are the words: ‘Do not be afraid….it is I’. I counted these, or words to this effect once….over 186 times throughout Scripture..so it must be an important reminder. I pray you will see Him each day with you as you journey this part of your life. You are a faithful son of God, and an exemplary brother for me….continuing to carry you in my prayers, with love, Candy
I am so grateful for Keith and his ministry to me and so many ohter. From Edge of Adventure to Camp McDowell Recovery Weekend. I feel so blessed and will carry the torch: the burning love of Christ.
Bless you, Andrea and your family…
Having lost a 48 year old daughter to stage 4 cancer three weeks ago this message is so fresh with me. I thanked God every day for orchestrating everything in His own perfect way and time. Prayers continue. God bless you and your family.
Thank you for this and bless you!
Thank you for sharing. You all are in my constant prayers.
God bless, with my love,
Martha Schorre
My dear Keith, you and Andrea and your family continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. You have been such a blessing in my life. Thank you for sharing your gifts with us. May you have a sense of understanding of the good you have done in this world.
Nancy Brainerd